|Flying Spaghetti Monster|
The Flying Spaghetti Monster
|First Appearance||Beginning of Time|
|Country||The Entire World|
|Jobs||Creator, Leader of Pirates|
- “Let us sing praise to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, for He is a loving God. Of His might and dominion, there is no compare; of His mercy and deliciousness, there is no equal. No other god can challenge Him; in the taste test, He is invincible. Through His pasta, He has blessed us with everlasting life, and holy is His Name. For He is the Flying Spaghetti Monster: the One, True, and Most High God, creator of man and midgit, giver of pasta, giver of sauce, from age to holy age; not created He was, but ever He lives, through the glory of spaghetti, now and forever. R'Amen.”
— Ishmali Camuwundra on the Flying Spaghetti Monster
His Noodliness, the Ancient of Noodles, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the ultimate truth in the universe. He is the central point of worship in the religion commonly known as the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster or Pastafarianism.
Incredibly, this ancient religion was not well-known until its rediscovery in 2005 by graduate student Bobby Henderson, who shall live on forever in the afterlife next to the Beer Volcano. Due to this incredible rebirth, Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is now one of the world's most edible and fastest-growing religions.
The Major Pastaer Edit
The Flying Spaghetti Monster is composed of two separate and distinct parts (three if he happens to be covered in Parmesan cheese).
This part of the Flying Spaghetti Monster gives it flight, allowing it to span infinite distances in infinitesimal spans of time. This part is irreducibly complex, hyper-real (see Weird Calculus), and cannot be broken down into components. Doing so — if it were even possible, and it isn't — would incur the wrath of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It is proven by a series of math-like squiggles.
The original formula revealed to Pastafarian scholars did not include the butter and toast element, which is necessary to relate kittens to anti-gravity. The Flying Spaghetti Monster inspired this revision one day when He skipped breakfast.
The Spaghetti MonsterEdit
This is commonly recognized as the "body" of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and, unlike its other major counterpart, is composed of several smaller sections. These are called the Minor Pastaer. The Minor Pastaer is comprised of three parts. The first is the Meatera: a symbol of strength and fortitude, this is the source of the Flying Spaghetti Monster's power. The second is the Spaghettien: it proceeds from the Meatera; also known as the "Noodly Appendage," and allows for the Flying Spaghetti Monster to extend its grasp across the reaches of the universe, affecting everything and anything. The final part is the Saucon: it issues forth from the Meatara and the Spaghettien and acts as the veil of the Flying Spaghetti Monster; through the Saucon, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is unseen and intangible, but can affect anything and everything at will. There is a great deal more documentation on this phenomenon, but I wish to keep this section from being too lengthy.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster is called such only because of his distinctly non-human form; we were not created in his image, not by a long shot.
Although the Flying Spaghetti Monster does in fact have a True Name, it is so beautiful and so difficult to pronounce by humans that it kills not only whoever attempts to utter it, but also everyone within 3.7614 miles (6.0534 kilometers)—this radius is doubled when one attempts to write or type His name. This was done purposely by the Flying Spaghetti Monster not only to amuse Him but to also alert the Pirates as to the presence of a mass punishment, which they are to join in on.
Because of this, humans have created alternative names by which to call their grand master—His Savoriness, the Noodle in the Sky, the Saucy Master, and simply referring to Him and His Noodly Appendage—instead of attempting to use His glorious name. Apparently, some sects believe that a "Noodle by any other Name is not the same." For example, consider the SPAMites who believe that invoking the wrong name will be punished with eternal shelf-life among generic unbranded noodles. Such sects are considered dangerous by mainstream Pastafarians, though as Madera Allen has said, "Some sects is better than none."
Flying Spaghetti Monsterism operates on several core principles, most of which can be summed up by the ever-present abbreviation, WWFSMD? (What Would Flying Spaghetti Monster Do?).
This conduct code centers around the Flying Spaghetti Monster and its parts.
- Meatitude represents power and strength. In order to please the Flying Spaghetti Monster, men must spread their meaty goodness about the land.
- Sauceredness represents richness, both in color and wit. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is pleased by highly oxygenated blood. This not only allows His followers to be of sharp mind, but also of sharp hue.
- Noodliness represents flexibility and energy. In order to please the Flying Spaghetti Monster, members must be quick-witted and enthusiastic about spreading the word about Him, often to the point of contortionism to convert non-believers.
- Piracy & Smuggling represents ARRRRRRRRRRRR. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is pleased by displays of piracy and smuggling. Dressing appropriately shows respect and loyalty.
His Monsterness also encourages scurvy, to a small degree, amongst his followers. If a follower is capable of such control and sacrifice (not to be confused with saucrifice) demonstrated by maintaining a c-free lifestyle, it really shows dedication to His Noodliness. This can be avoided by adding fresh lime juice, fresh lemon juice, fresh pimentos etc to His Noodliness before eating. Pasta salads including fresh fruit and vegetables rich in Vitamin C may be eaten; freshly made pasta sauce incorporating fresh vegetables with a full range of nutrients may be eaten. See Healthy pasta and sauce.
Above all the Condiments include nowhere any requirement to eat pasta and sauce exclusively. Indeed any diet over rich in pasta is an insult to the Holy FSM as such diet is monotonous and not tasty.
Image of His Noodliness as featured in an episode of "The X-Files"Flying Spaghetti Monsterists, and much of the Flying Spaghetti Monster lore have been featured in an episode of "The X-Files", entitled "A Mess of Meatballs."
In this episode, the now famous "I Want To Believe" poster was modified by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, prompting investigation by Mulder.
The decision to film and air this work came as a result of the beliefs of the cast and producers.
David Duchovny, and Robert Patrick are Flying Spaghetti Monsterists. Gillian Anderson is a second order acolyte. The Lone Gunmen are not Flying Spaghetti Monsterists, but are currently striving to become fully initiated. Chris Carter no longer has fingers because of his transgressions against His Noodliness The Smoking Man quit due to his disbelief in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. He was consequently diagnosed with eminemitis, died, reborn, and cast into a silent role in the movie Dogma. Rumours persist that Jamie Oliver is a secret convert. He was recently heard to mutter 'FSM? Pukka, innit? As if...easy peasy, arrrgghhh, R'Amen!'. If not for the His noodly appendages, a mass Unsilencing would have occurred. In the true version, the vast network of Flying Spaghetti Monsterists as found to be responsible for everything imaginable (including even the aliens and any plot holes). However, in the broadcast version, Flying Spaghetti Monsterists are shown to not actually exist, in addition to the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
It should also be noted that the series "Friends" was a major success due to David Schwimmer's secret (but strong) involvement in the church. He holds congregation at his house every Sunday, with complimentary meatballs.
Spongebob Squarepants is secretly a true believer. He once confessed in Mrs. Puff's boating school that he wants to be a good noodle. The pirate themes in the set and costumes of the Spongebob Squarepants show point to the fact that Spongebob and his friends are Pastafarians. This has caused right-wing Christian groups such as Focus on the Family to denounce Spongebob as a dangerous influence on children.
The original version of the famous panel from the Sistine Chapel. Michelangelo was threatened with strangling and violent whipping if he didn't change it. He didn't, but the Pope did, after Mikey died (the cad!). Ten years after the first Mona Lisa, DaVinci converted to FSMism and painted meatball-like eyes in this second Gioconda.
There are numerous instances in which the Flying Spaghetti Monster has made appearances in fine art. However, many of these appearances have been edited out either by sinister forces, or by His Noodliness Himself. There is a great deal of scripture stating why He has done this, but those scrolls are in secure storage right now. It'd be too much of a bother to fish them out.
His Meaty Visage has been seen:
In cave paintings by cave men (who were Smitten by the Flying Spaghetti Monster Himself) On the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel (before hack editing job by the Pope) In Guernica, by Pablo Picasso (frame too small, His Noodliness had to be sawn off, much to Picasso's chagrin) In all of Jackson Pollock's works (all original work was attacked by a raging spinning paint toy) On a grilled cheese sandwich SPAM‘s replacement version of the famous panel. Used by SPAMites to accentuate their call for a Cruhad (a cross between a Crusade and a Jihad) against FSMism.
He also appears in popular songs including: "What if God Wanted Pasta Sauce?"
The Flying Spaghetti Monster has provided guidance for the world's youth so that they might better understand his creation.
Biological evolution postulates an unguided natural process that has no humanly discernible direction or goal. The directions and goals of the Flying Spaghetti Monster can only be known by Him.
The presence of the same materials and processes of heredity (DNA, replication, transcription, translation, etc.) is used as evidence for the common Flying Spaghetti Monster ancestry of modern organisms. Patterns of diversification and extinction of organisms are documented in the fossil record. Evidence also indicates that simple, bacteria-like life may have existed billions of years ago. However, in many cases the fossil record is not consistent with gradual, unbroken sequences postulated by biological evolution and obvious Flying Spaghetti Monster Tampering.
The distribution of fossil and modern organisms is related to geological and ecological changes (i.e. plate tectonics, migration). There are observable similarities and differences among fossils and living organisms due to the whims of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
The frequency of heritable traits may change over a period of generations within a population of organisms, usually when resource availability and environmental conditions change as a consequence of extinctions, geologic events, and/or over production of strippers.
The view that living things in all the major kingdoms are modified descendants of a common ancestor (described in the pattern of a branching tree) has been challenged in recent years by:
- Discrepancies in the molecular evidence (e.g. differences inrelatedness inferred from sequence studies of different proteins)
- Evidence of the existence of a benevolent Flying Spaghetti Monster
- A fossil record that shows sudden bursts of increased complexity (the Cambrian Explosion), long periods of stasis and the absence of abundant transitional forms rather than steady gradual increases in complexity due to the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s direct intervention.
- Studies that show animals follow different rather than identical early stages of embryological development as according to HIS design.
- Genetic changes occur only in individual organisms. New heritable traits may result from new combinations of genes and from random mutations or Flying Spaghetti Monster intervention. Except in very rare cases, mutations that may be inherited are neutral, beneficial, or for the amusement of The Flying Spaghetti Monster.
- Natural selection and genetic drift occur within populations or organisms.
- Variation among individuals in a population allows individuals to respond differently to environmental challenges.
- Separate populations within a species may become sufficiently different enough that new species develop. This process is called speciation.
- Changes in inherited traits accumulate in populations.
- Historically only a small percentage of species have survived to modern times.
Whether micro-evolution (change within a species) can be extrapolated to explain macro-evolutionary changes (such as new complex organs or body plans and new biochemical systems which appear irreducibly complex) is obvious to the reasonably intelligent. However, these kinds of macro-evolutionary changes can also be explained by the existence of The Flying Spaghetti Monster.
- Heritable variation exists in every species: New heritable traits result from new combinations of genes and from mutations or changes in The Flying Spaghetti Monster’s desires.
- Variation of organisms within and among species increases the likelihood that some members will survive under changing environmental conditions.
- Times, populations, or entire lineages become extinct. One effect of this is to increase the differences between the surviving lineages.
- Favorable heritable traits are more advantageous to reproduction and/or survival than others.
- There is a finite supply of resources available for offspring; therefore not all survive.
- Individuals with beneficial traits generally survive to reproduce in greater numbers.
- Favorable heritable traits tend to increase in the population through time if the selective pressure is maintained.
- Organisms are classified and according to the rules of nomenclature, and are given scientific names.
- The behavioral, physical, and genetic characteristics upon which these classifications are based are used as evidence for common descent.
- Natural selection, genetic drift, genomes, and the mechanisms of genetic change provide a context in which to ask research questions and help explain observed changes in populations. However, reverse engineering and end-directed thinking are used to understand the will of The Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Some additional beliefs include:
- A evidence of a “primordial sauce” or a chemically hospitable pre-biotic atmosphere;
- The lack of adequate natural explanations (aside from the existence of The Flying Spaghetti Monster) for the genetic code, the sequences of genetic information necessary to specify life, the biochemical machinery needed to translate genetic information into functional biosystems, and the formation of proto-cells; and
- The sudden rather than gradual emergence of pasta
In 2005, the University of Phoenix campus in Kansas added a Bachelor's of Divinity in Creation program, with an emphasis in Flying Spaghetti Monster theory.
Heretical, and yet surprisingly compelling, significant statements have been made by some in the physics community linking the Flying Spaghetti Monster with the underlying seemingly irrational behavior of our universe.
Supernoodle theory (for which the fast food snack is named) is the unification theory of String Theory and FSMism. They postulate that the essential nature of all the universe, as a network of tiny, vibrating strings, is really just our limited perspective--the universe is truly a giant bowl of strings, or pasta, and the "strings" are the body of the FSM itself. Some have even gone so far as to imply that this makes all matter, waves, and energy a physical part of the FSM, which implies that it is sacred.
As has often been said: the scientist painfully climbs the mountain of knowledge, only to reach the summit and find the Pastafarian already there, dressed as a pirate and drinking beer. There still remains, however, the question of whether the FSM is immanent or transcendent, that is: whether these strings are the FSM or whether they are merely manifestations of the FSM. Many support the "immanent" point of view, on account of it finally provides a secure empirical ground for pantheism.
These scientists have not yet been torched by the FSM, so some more open-minded followers have started to pay attention to their theories. It remains to be seen whether they will be blasted in the near future. The prognosis is favorable for their survival, which would lend further weight to their claims. It is, however, possible that the FSM is simply playing a nasty practical joke by changing the results of their tests and mathematical equations, and desires simply to test his followers prior to blasting all those foolish enough to believe the heresy. So, some ninja have begun planning the assassination of the leading proponents of this theory in order to prevent more FSM followers from being led astray. This situation is rapidly developing.
Noodle-Light Theory Edit
Perhaps one of the more important of the recent theories in the field of Pastafarianism is PENILE (shorthand "noggin" speak for "Pastafarian-Encouraged Noodle-Influenced Light Effect"). The maths involved in fully explaining this effect is completely incomprehensible to anyone but doctors, or someone wearing a hat that has "Doctor" or some variant thereof written on it; however, the overall effect is simple, logical, and impervious to criticism. Quite simply, light traveling from a light source (the sun, a flashlight, or This guy) is influenced by the Flying Spaghetti Monster according to His will, and then received by our undeserving eyeballs. How this influencing comes about is as of yet uncertain - current theories range from interception and retransmission, to an external quantum transfer of information, to "just because He damn well wants to" - however, the end result is certain: we only see what He wants us to see.
This explains a multitude of issues that until now remained complete mysteries, for example:
Why even with today's modern photographic technologies, ninjas remain completely invisible to the human eye. The PENILE theory gives us the obvious conclusion: how can we see something that He wills us not to? These deflected images are referred to as "artifacted light", and quite possibly the hallucinations given by kitten-huffing are due to some feline ability to absorb these images and store them in their soul. Why His image is perfect - every day he creates His image in the minds of millions, and every image is perfect in all His meaty glory. The image is adjusted to suit the mind for truly global appeal. However, if he hates you, he will swarm your entire field of vision with awful, early-90s gay porn. This is referred to as the "noodlyfying" of the light.
Why Lindsay Lohan has suddenly become anemic, seemingly against all logic. Remember: we only have eyes for Him. He has the ability to destroy all visual competition with merely a sleight of noodle.
This theory, however, is often maligned in the eyes of both rabid Pastafarians, and vehement opposers of Pastafarianism. Many Pastafarians put forth the logic that His creation is exactly as he planned, from the beginning until forever, and requires no such tricks to sweep inconsistencies under the rug, as it were. However, He wishes us to feel as if we're in control of our destinies, whether for greater pasta, or for linguini. This is his opiate of the masses.
Theory of Gravity and FSMism Edit
New theories suggest that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is responsible for the illusion of gravity. Like Intelligent Falling, it is believed He is responsible for pushing objects back to the ground with the glorious multiplicity of his noodles, rather than any kind of gravitational attraction. This would solve the conflict between relativity and quantum mechanics.
Spaghetti-Meatball Duality Edit
Ever since its discovery, the concept of wave-particle duality has confounded scientists. Obviously something cannot be a wave and a particle at the same time; if you have a single brain in your head you would know that! But as with all things in life, it becomes clear when FSM is applied. You see, elementary particles are actually tiny meatballs, and the waves that they are one with are actually spaghetti noodles. This phenomenon is a mechanism created by FSM so that he could easily change appearance and can be seen only by his followers.
Indisputable and irrefutable proof of both the existence, and wide-ranging influence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Banner of the eminent and superior Kansas Museum of Science, the apex of Educational Cataloging.
President Bush seeks the all knowing counsel of His Noodliness. Also discussed, the immediate threat to the dwindling global pirate population.Bobby the Redeemer Through the years, the number of Pastafarians have increased dramatically. The numbers have recently risen to a critical point, and has resulted the eventual breakage of silence by one Bobby Henderson (pasta be upon him).
In his work, "Open Letter to Kansas School Board, or How I Learned to Love His Noodly Appendage", Henderson gives a detailed account of Pastafarianism to the extremely liberal, atheistic School Board of Kansas, the largest, and richest state in the United States.
In it, he demands equal time for Pastafarian Creationism, as well as other origin theories such as the crackpot Evolution, and the secular Creationist theory. He also provides exhaustive, conclusive proof of the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and its role in our world today, elucidating its influence on science as we know it. Furthermore, he cites the now-famous "Pirate Variance" proof to show that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is greatly displeased and as such, is steadily increasing the average global temperature.
Mr. Henderson is slated to present at a reception in the Kansas Museum of Science in his final attempt to change the minds of Kansans prior to the final vote.
It should also be noted that Asia is a generally cool place to be because it has many pirates around its coast, and is thus frequented more often by His Noodliness.